On a cold night, three figures wade through a snow-chocked valley. RUDY “RED” REINDERSKI, wearing a Brian Urlacher jersey and a hoodie, leads the way, his nose glowing red from excessive alcohol consumption. Behind him is SCHAUMBURG CORNELIUS, a big, bearded guy in a Bears parka and knit cap. He drags a cooler through the snow. Pulling up the rear is DR. HERMEY ELFMAN, DDS, a small blonde man wearing a Bears letterman-style jacket.

RUDY: Schaumburg Cornelius, I thought you said this was a shortcut to the Super Bowl?

SCHAUMBURG: It’s supposed to be. The guys on The Score said if we followed Quarterback Pass, that would take us through the Playoff Peaks to the Super Bowl. And those guys are never wrong. 

Rudy’s nose is starting to fade. 

RUDY: Well, this sure ain’t the way to the Super Bowl. Better give me another beer before I sober up and my nose stops glowing. 

Schaumburg reaches into the cooler and fetches a beer.  

HERMEY: Hmm, this all looks familiar, like we’ve been here before.

A football flies through the air and hits Hermey in the face. 

HERMEY: Ow! (He spits out a tooth.) My toof! My toof!  

The three step out of the pass into a clearing, where a group of football toys are playing a game. A quarterback with a cannon for an arm, but who’s head is on a spring, yells at a receiver who has wheels for feet and a jet engine sticking out of his back. 

JAY (head bobbing wildly): I thought you were going to cut right, Johnny!  

JOHNNY: No, that was your head bobbing, Jay. You know I can only go really fast in a straight line. I don’t have a third wheel for cutting.

RUDY (to Schaumburg and Hermey): Where are we?

Two figures approach them. One is dressed in a suit but has his head on backwards. The other wears a Bears cap and a jacket that says “Coach”. The coach speaks. 

COACH LOVIE: Hi, I’m Coach Lovie. Welcome to the Island of Misfit Bears.

HERMEY: Wait a minute … we’ve been here before! With coaches Wannstadat and Jauron. 

COACH LOVIE: Yes, those were my earlier models. And this is my boss, Mr. Angelo. 

Mr. Angelo turns around so he can speak. 

MR. ANGELO: Hi there. Say, you fellas wouldn’t want to make a trade, would you? I’ve got a third-round pick burning a hole in my pocket. (Smoke is rising from his pants pocket.) 

RUDY: Gee, Mr. Angelo, all we have is the case of Old Style.

MR. ANGELO: Done! 

SCHAUMBURG: But can we drink the case first? 

MR. ANGELO: Sure thing. Pleasure doing business with you.

He goes to shake hands, but his arm is facing the wrong direction. He turns around and shakes hands before leaving, bumping into things as he walks away.

COACH LOVIE (gently chuckling): That’s Mr. Angelo, always making trades. Come on, let’s see what the team is doing. 

The Bears offense is on the field against another team. The offensive linemen are all giant tops: big torsos but tiny points where their feet would be. In the backfield, the running back is carrying a lot of chains and weights. The Bears snap the ball and hand it off on a running play. The linemen spin around as they try to block, letting the defenders pounce on the running back in the backfield. 

COACH LOVIE: Hey, not bad, Matt almost made it back to the line of scrimmage that time! 

RUDY: Why does he have all those weights on him? 

COACH LOVIE: Those are all his expectations weighing him down.

  On the next play, the Bears drop back to pass. The linemen spin as the pass rush runs right by them, causing Jay to scramble, his head bobbing all over the place. He still manages to throw a pass to Greg, a big, fast tight end. The pass is high, but Greg makes a great leap to get his hands on it. Unfortunately, he has hands made of stone, and the pass bounces out of his hands and into the arms of a defender.  

COACH LOVIE: It’s OK, we’ll just stop them with our defense.

The Bears defense comes out on the field. The other teams hands off to their running back. The Bears defensive linemen are made of blocks, and they get easily knocked down into pieces by the other team’s offensive linemen. The linebackers come up to make the tackle, but they’re actually made of rubber and bounce right off the running back. The defensive backs can only run around in circles, which makes it hard for them to take the right angle on the play. The running back scores easily.

SCHAUMBURG: Great googly moogly, Coach Lovie, your team stinks.  You’ll never win with these guys! 

Coach Lovie’s head pops open, and a bright light shaped like the sun springs out, glowing over his face. 

COACH LOVIE (extra optimistic): Oh no, we have a great team. We just need to execute a little better and need a little more time to gel. We’ll get there. 

RUDY: But the season’s almost over! 

The sun goes back as Coach Lovie’s head closes. 

COACH LOVIE: I know, but when I hear criticism, that always happens. That’s why I’m here.

In the background, the opposing team kicks off. The Bears returner, takes the ball, and runs very quickly from side to side and then backward before being tackled. 

COACH LOVIE (the sun pops out of his head): Nice running, Devin, you’ll learn how to go forward again someday.

HERMEY: So what’s going to happen to these misfit Bears, Coach Lovie?

COACH LOVIE: Well, most of the time, they just fade away. Every once in a while, they maybe wind up on the radio, calling games, or doing commercials for local car dealers.

But once every blue moon, ol’ St. Ditka comes on his magic blocking sled, pulled by Covert, Bortz, Hilegnberg, Thayer, and Van Horne. St. Ditka picks one of them up and makes him into a real Bear, or gives him to a team that really wants him. That happened last year with this terrible misfit Bear named Cedric.

The Bears offense lines up again. Jay drops back to pass. He’s sacked so hard, his spring neck wraps around the defender.

JAY: Darn it! 

Rudy, Schaumburg, and Hermey look at each other.

HERMEY: What do you think? 

SCHAUMBURG (shrugs): It is only 21-0. They have three quarters to come back. 

RUDY: And we have a whole case of Old Style.

The three sit in the snow and watch the game. Rudy drinks and his nose starts to glow brightly. As Hermey takes a drink, another stray football hits him in the face and knocks him over. Schaumburg stands up and takes off his coat, standing shirtless in the winter storm.

SCHAUMBURG: Let’s go Bears!

-- BRANDON TRISSLER