Inside a psychiatrist’s office …

JAY (lying on couch): Hello, Dr. Schnitzel.

DR. SCHNITZEL: Guten tag, Jay. And how are we doing this week?

JAY: Terrible, doc, just terrible. I had a relapse against the Niners.

DR. SCHNITZEL: What happened?

JAY: Well … I threw a couple of picks.

Neither Jay Cutler nor Chicago fans can Bear to watch another pass go to the 49ers.

DR. SCHNITZEL: Jay, what did I tell you? Admitting your mistakes is the first step toward confronting them.

JAY: OK, I threw five interceptions.

DR. SCHNITZEL: Gott im Himmel! This is quite serious. Tell me, why do you think you threw these interceptions?

JAY: I dunno, I just did.

DR. SCHNITZEL: Jay, I have been working with quarterbacks for a long time, and turnovers do not just happen. If you don’t open up to me, I cannot help you. That’s why I could never reach Mr. Grossman. Do you want to wind up like that?

JAY: No. (Takes a deep breath.) Alright, well, for starters, I’m just not getting any protection.

DR. SCHNITZEL (begins writing in a notepad): Go on.

JAY: It’s like every time I drop back, I’ve got defenders all over me.

DR. SCHNITZEL: I see. And how many times did you get sacked against the 49ers, Jay?

JAY: Uh, technically, zero.

DR. SCHNITZEL: I’m sorry, did you say zero?

JAY: Well it would have been a lot more if I didn’t get rid of the ball!

DR. SCHNITZEL: Jay, you are experiencing what we call Protection Projection, a trust issue with your line. They have disappointed you before, and now you feel like you can’t trust them, so you perhaps rush your throws, or scramble even when you have protection.

JAY: Have you seen these guys, Doc? It’s a wonder I’m not on the IR already.

DR. SCHNITZEL: Be that as it may, you have to learn to trust them a little more. Stay in the pocket until you are really sure you have to leave. You may feel like you are buying time by running, but you’re really scrambling away from the relationship you need to build with your line. Now, that’s one thing. There must be others from a five-interception performance.

JAY: It’s my receivers too. See, when I scramble, they don’t do a good job getting open. I think they’re going to cut in or cut out, and they do the opposite of what I want, and bingo, there’s another pick.

DR. SCHNITZEL: Have you tried telling them what you want them to do?

JAY: Sure, like in practice and stuff. But they’re NFL receivers. They should know where I need them to go.

DR. SCHNITZEL: A ha! Jay, you have a classic communication problem with your receivers. You want them to know, instinctively, what you want them to do. But they are not mind readers, Jay. You need to tell them what you expect, and more importantly, you need to listen to what they want. Learn to read their body language, too. Passing is a two-way street.

JAY: What about the red zone picks, Doc? I threw two tonight, including another one to a defensive lineman.

DR. SCHNITZEL: Ah, I have been thinking about this. My theory is that you have a fear of intimacy with the end zone that stems from your father.

JAY: Whoah now, what about my father?

DR. SCHNITZEL: Nein, not that kind of intimacy, dumpkoff. A fear of affection, of love, that stems from a feeling of not having enough love from your father. Now, what do you love to do, more than anything?

JAY: Throw passes.

DR. SCHNITZEL: Right. And what’s the most rewarding pass to throw?

JAY: A touchdown pass.

DR. SCHNITZEL: Precisely. You love throwing touchdown passes. Your father, however, is like a defensive back, standing between you and your love. By throwing the pass to the defender, it’s as if you are saying, “Love me, father,” and in exchange for that love, you are willing to commit the worst act a quarterback can commit.

JAY: A turnover!

DR. SCHNITZEL: What you have to do, Jay, is learn that this is an unhealthy way to look for parental approval. You need to complete that pass in the end zone, to someone who is open to receive it. Only then will you experience true love.

JAY: Wow, that’s so deep. Do you really think that’s it, Doc?

DR. SCHNITZEL: The question is, Jay: do you think that’s it? Only you can answer that. (Looks at his watch.) I’m afraid that’s all the time we have today. Think about what I told you before your next game against Philadelphia.

JAY: Thanks, Doc, I will.

As Jay leaves, Dr. Schnitzel’s next patient, Eli Manning, enters. He plops on the couch.

ELI: I hate my brother!

DR. SCHNITZEL (to himself): Ack, quarterbacks.

-- BRANDON TRISSLER