At the Bears practice facility, Lovie Smith watches practice.

LOVIE: The way this season was going, I was feeling pretty down. I didn’t think I’d be able to get my spirits up again. 

Lance Briggs hits a tackling dummy. 

BRIGGS: People kept saying our defense was soft ... 

Matt Forte takes a handoff and runs through a hole. 

FORTE: And that our offense couldn’t punch it into the end zone.

LOVIE: Sure, we’d get things going for a little bit, but we couldn’t sustain our drives or finish strong at the end of games. We tried everything: trick plays, different position subs, new packages. Nothing worked. Until we tried ViagRams. 

A doctor speaks in front of highlights from the Bears 17-9 win over the Rams. 

DOCTOR: ViagRams gives your sagging team the confidence it needs to spring back into action. Simply take four quarters of ViagRams, and your team will feel like it did during training camp: hungry, eager, and ready for action. Just listen to these satisfied clients. 

Matt Forte darts through a hole between two Rams for a 15-yard gain. 

FORTE: I almost rushed for 100 yards! 

Jay Cutler throws a pass that would normally be intercepted, but is dropped by the Rams defensive back.

CUTLER: I didn’t throw an interception all game! 

Hunter Hillenmeyer (92) and Charles Tillman (33) celebrate Hillenmeyer's interception of Kyle Boller.

Hunter Hillenmeyer jumps up to pick off a pass by Rams quarterback Kyle Boller.

HILLENMEYER: And I had an interception!

Adewale Ogunleye chases down Rams Boller, diving and just missing him.

OGUNLEYE: I put pressure on the quarterback all game and almost had four sacks!

DOCTOR: ViagRams simulates the feeling of being a dominant football team by reducing an opponent’s offensive and defensive talent inhibitors that lead to Victory Dysfunction. This reduction allows mediocre teams to run black with confidence, protect the quarterback, force turnovers, and do the little things that winning teams do.

Lovie watches the time tick off on the sidelines as the Bears win. 

LOVIE: I even felt like I outcoached somebody today, and I haven’t felt that in years. (He gets showered with Gatorade from Bears players.) Thanks, ViagRams. 

As the Bears march off the field in slow motion, happy and smiling, an announcer speaks.

ANNOUNCER: ViagRams should only be used under the direction of a qualified NFL scheduling specialist. Do not take ViagRams more than twice per season as this may cause a sudden loss of fan interest in football. Side effects from ViagRams may include overconfidence, phantom playoff scenarios, false job security, softball press conferences, and exaggerated fantasy projections. Do not use ViagRams if you are attempting to secure the first overall draft pick or have underperforming players who might trigger incentive clauses they don’t deserve. If you have a winning streak longer than four games after taking ViagRams, consult an NFL analyst to see if you are a genuine contender or are suffering from an excessively soft schedule.

Culter completes a 71-yard pass to Earl Bennett.

CUTLER: I feel so good on ViagRams, I’m thinking about demanding a trade to the NFC West so I can take ViagRams at home and on the road.

Rams receiver Brandon Gibson fumbles the ball as Bears safety Al Afalava recovers it.

ANNOUCNER: Get a notch in your win column with ViagRams.

-- BRANDON TRISSLER